With the growing severity of the Coronavirus pandemic, the importance of staying indoors and avoiding physical contact is clear. These harsh times of social distancing have led Choate students to miss the days when they could interact with others through visitation. How will we ever cope without this simple pleasure? Most students have fallen into a depressing cycle of over-snacking, Netflix binging, and attending the occasional Zoom class. Choate student Billy Bob ’22 said via Zoom, “I’ve been wearing these same pajamas for six days straight and I binged Tiger King in one day.” He is not alone: most students threw personal hygiene out of the window a long time ago. Despite the persistent boredom, we at Lorem Ipsum* have some good news: there may be a way to get visitation back. 

Using Zoom rooms, those of different genders can once again hang out alone in makeshift dorm rooms. So what if it’s over the internet? Best friends can meet face to face. Relationships can blossom between people oceans apart. This groundbreaking visitation technology presents a multitude of new opportunities. Well, except for physical contact. Regardless, for most people, it will be the only interaction they’ve had outside of Zoom classes in weeks. It is necessary for all Choate students to have this escape from the depths of their bedrooms filled with dirty laundry and moldy cereal.

This new idea begs the question: What will happen to the “trashcan-in-the-door” rule? Surely teachers will not stand to leave their students in a Zoom room alone. Well, that is where the “Breakout Room” feature comes into play. When students decide to ask for visitation, the new protocol dictates that they must first meet with their advisor in a Zoom room. Then they are sent to a Breakout Room so that the advisor can join whenever and without any warning. Lorem Ipsum* reporters learned of students’ growing discomfort with this rule. Fifth former Samantha Smith said, “At this point, we might as well just FaceTime!” However, such an unreasonable idea was quickly discarded.

Although this idea is seemingly foolproof, some strict house advisors, who will remain unnamed, still disapprove. No matter what visitation guidelines exist, they say, there will always be those who love to bend the rules. Choate knitting teacher, Dr. Jane Doe, said angrily, “What’s to stop those troublemakers from opening their own Zoom meeting?” Sneaking around as Dr. Doe referenced has become more and more popular as the pandemic has progressed. Teachers have been forced to work in their free time to catch the delinquents at fault. Another teacher, Mr. Geraldine Mugwort, promised, “We will put in all the time it takes to round up these students, via email of course, and punish them adequately.” How exactly would they be punished, though? Zoom detention? The hard truth for the teachers is that visitation breakers are now completely untouchable.

As students become more and more separated from society, they can still take a little time to appreciate the simple pleasures. Along with getting up late, eating breakfast, and online shopping, visitation can significantly help with what is now being called “distancing depression.” All Choate students are encouraged to take advantage of this new visitation protocol as soon as possible.