Have you ever considered that Dr. Curtis, our beloved Head of School, might be a little too good to be true? Consider how one man could be so “incredibly young, handsome, and athletic.” Or, for example, how he got John Legend to come and perform at a high school in Wallingford, Connecticut of all places. Perhaps you’ve noticed that his smooth accent seems a bit too hypnotic. Dr. Curtis clearly has something powerful about him, but maybe it isn’t just power that he exudes. Perhaps it’s something…God-like.

For starters, Dr. Curtis is always working on a construction project. Consider the following: as soon as Colony Hall neared completion, a mysterious fire erupted in Hill House, conveniently presenting yet another new opportunity to feed Dr. Curtis’s passion for architecture and design. Furthermore, the British “Creator” is regularly spotted biking the hilly terrain of the Choate campus. Such a feat of athleticism is clearly impossible for a mere mortal. Wilbur Wilkins ‘22, an avid proponent of this supernatural theory, added that, “I’ve never seen him eat, or sleep for that matter. Have you? No, you haven’t. Consider that.” All of this evidence seems to almost make it impossible to reject the notion that our Head of School is supernatural. This truth, although terrifying, makes sense. 

A group of Choate students who call themselves “Curtistians” helped shed some light onto this imposing question. “First of all, I want to make it clear that we’re not a cult,” said Amy “DocLover” Athens ‘20, the head of this group. “We just meet every Tuesday and worship – I mean, discuss Dr. Curtis and his, um, policies.” Athens refused to comment any more after her self-described “slip up” and instead hurried away muttering, “they’re gonna find us. Oh please, Curtis, help us.”

This undoubtedly calls into question all of humanity, but especially the Choate community. Is this divine British being the “architect” of the matrix in which we live? Why us? Why now? Despite the undoubtedly arcane answers to these questions, one thing is for sure: Choate’s student body, faculty, and possibly the entire world, will never see Dr. Curtis as the same friendly “principal next door” after understanding the true extent of his powers.