I’m fed up. The Liberals have pushed their agenda each day (every single one!) since George W. Bush left the White House. From Obamacare to marriage equality, they have managed to upturn the morals on which this Nation was founded… but most insidious of all, the Liberals want to force every American to be polyamorous. They want you –– an average, pious, God-fearing, tax-avoiding patriot –– to leave his stay-at-home wife and join a polycule, allowing said wife to pursue a career of her own and your children to die of malnourishment. I, for one, as a patriot, cannot stand for this. 

What exactly is the Liberal plan? Well, I’ll tell you myself. The Liberals want you to designate multiple partners and have open conversations with them about mental health and safe sex, relying on tax money leeched out of the pockets of the American people. They want you to meet Nathaniel. Nathaniel brews his own matcha and bakes sourdough bread. They want you to welcome him into your marriage. Then they’ll trick you into spending your hard-earned paycheck on healthcare, welfare, and moving your entire plus-sized family into an expensive brownstone in Brooklyn. Next thing you know, abortions are happening willy-nilly. You can be arrested for using the wrong pronouns. A Liberal wedge has separated you from your God-given values as well as your wife. Oh God, I miss my wife. 

Now, at this point, you may be thinking to yourself: “What’s the real point? Why would Liberals want to push such an agenda? What’s the end goal here?” I’ll give you a hint. It starts with “sock” and rhymes with “communism.” That’s right: full-blown big government gulag socialism. Democrats want to instill a collective mentality within you, breaking down your individualist American spirit by pushing their filthy doctrine of polyamory. It all starts with you putting “Looking for a third!” in your Tinder bio, which will evolve into  “Workers of the world unite! All hail my Liberal overlords!” in just a few short days. The hive mindset will create a socialist apocalypse so widespread, you won’t know when one polycule starts and another ends. 

You know what else polyamory is hellbent on? Destroying our beautiful capitalist economy. Monogamy runs on holy free market dating, wherein the most successful and attractive men get to possess the most attractive women while the lower classes compare the sizes of their… bootstraps. Polyamorous relationships completely undermine this whole system. Now, I am a patriot. Church-sanctioned ways of life are, to me, as American as apple pie or imperializing foreign countries. You know who had 5 girlfriends and 3 husbands? Stalin. Is that what you want? For the United States to become the Soviet Union? If you give a single damn about this nation and its values you’ll join me in saying no to socialism, no to morally bankrupt Democrats, no to my wife, and no to polyamory. It’s either that or worshipping at the altar of Comrade AOC with your 10 genderless partners while drinking the blood of Christian babies. No in between. The choice is yours.