This year’s global pandemic has caused Choate to close down,  temporarily quashing the hopes and dreams of many devoted student athletes. For obvious reasons, spring sports teams will not be able to participate in their normal seasons this year. Student athletes everywhere are still reeling from the loss, but the administration has found a solution. Choate athletics is going online, people.

The athletics office is swiftly publishing updates on their new sports programs. Director Lester B. Nice ’66 announced recently, “Choate athletics will now be conducted on Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort. Spring Coaches have each chosen a sport and will begin to hold tryouts over Zoom in the upcoming week.” In tryouts, prospective players will be tested on their hand-eye coordination and arm and wrist strength. Coaches will also hold time trials to test how fast students can put on the Wii remote strap. To distinguish top athletes, candidates for teams will be tested on their hand-eye coordination, along with their arm, digit, and wrist strength. Mr. Nice added that students chosen to participate on sports teams will be given Wiis and copies of Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort. 

Spring Wii sports include fencing, bowling, tennis, baseball, archery, table tennis, cycling, golf, and canoeing, and many more. Choate’s Wii Sports athletic programs will function similar to traditional programming. Depending on the popularity of a certain sport, there will be varsity, junior varsity, and even thirds teams. Varsity athletes will get their varsity letter, and their varsity sport will be counted on prize day. If a student is on a sports team, it will go on their Blue Card, and their coaches will write comments for their term reports. In fact, there is basically no difference between current athletics and sports of the past.  

Avid Nintendo fans may be wondering how there will be matches between players as, in the traditional Wii games, the only way to play multiplayer is on the same console. However, in an incredible turn of events, numerous other institutions have partnered with Nintendo to bring a multiplayer version of the game to students. Wealthy prep school alumni have donated large sums of money to the Nintendo corporation to accelerate the creation and distribution of thousands of copies of these games. 

In addition to the novel multiplayer innovation, the Eight Schools Association added numerous other features in anticipation of the term’s sports events. For one, digital team uniforms will allow students to customize their Miis, donning Choate gear when they compete. Keep an eye out for the crew team’s digital unisuits! Another feature will enable spectators to watch live and record messages of support for their Choate teammates. Finally, many of the Wii backgrounds, from Resort Island to the typical Wii tennis courts, have been given makeovers to resemble boarding boarding school environments. Want to drop by a regatta or two? It’ll feel just like you’re stuck in the mud as usual. Want to watch a tennis game and look at all the cute JV Miis? Find yourself in the virtual Hunt Tennis Center, just as you remember. An early tester of the new program testified: “The game made me feel like I was back at Choate – it was picturesque.”