Choate’s esteemed Varsity Farming team has long withheld the secrets of their successful fall harvests from the public. After an unusually fruitful harvest, however, Varsity Farming has decided to reveal the reason behind their successes. The answer? An exclusive preseason regimen that is arguably the most difficult yet rewarding experience one can have at Choate.

To start out their preseason, the farming boars arrived on their plot in early August, nearly a month before any other students were scheduled to arrive at Choate. Although the grueling preseason is most definitely a serious time commitment, the team looks forward to it, telling Lorem Ipsum: “We’re a super tight team since most of us have been farming together for quite a few seasons. Summer is great thanks to that rich soil that we haven’t farmed on for two whole months. We’re always super stoked to get out there and play around with some shovels or scuffle hoes.”

McDonald Eieio ‘20, the 2020 captain of the team, shared some of the drills that the athletes practiced during preseason. He prefaced his summary by saying: “Although these drills are definitely pretty grueling, they increase teamwork and effectiveness on the gardening plot. We can’t afford to fall behind our competitors this year. The grind will not stop until we are the farming champions of New England!” According to Eieio, the drills consisted of wheelbarrow relays, in which teams of three race dirt filled wheelbarrows one at a time to build mounds of soil. Others included learning best practices when working with pesticides (avoid inhaling the neurotoxins!) and aggressively shooing away birds who try to eat apples from Choate’s orchard.

Besides improving their strength, stamina, and tenacity during preseason, this year’s highly skilled entourage of farmers also enjoyed new tools and technology to improve their game. A Choate representative reported that administration invested an undisclosed amount of money on new tractors in order to increase the team’s competitive edge in the field. Naturally, each member of the team was required to take a government-mandated Tractor Driving Instruction Course. They all passed with flying colors, and will be driving Choate’s brand-new blue and gold 2019 John Deere tractors for seasons to come.

The returning Varsity Farming students were pleasantly surprised when they were told the team was given funding for new equipment. Longtime team members Jean Overall ’20 and Leif Plantt ’21 both agreed that “it was pretty shocking when we found out we’d be getting brand new tractors. I mean, they bought us an entire fleet of new combine harvesters last year! We really are blessed. Thank you, Dr. Curtis!”

At press time, all Choate athletic fields were seen being converted to dirt plots for the Varsity Farming team. Lorem Ipsum has also recently received word that the Choate administration will cut all funding for the Varsity Football team starting in the 2021 school year due to a dearth of finances directed towards Varsity Farming’s new tractor fleet.