It is the year 2100, and the future is bright for Choate Rosemary Hall. We have made many strides in school policy over the last few decades, including making all the dorms temporary housing units that are rearranged at will, establishing closed door visitation all day, and, though it was hard fought, dissolving burger day. However, one open battlefield remains: jeans with holes in them.

Back in 2015, the entire Choate community rejoiced when faculty and students were finally permitted to wear jeans. This age-defying shift in values, however, came with a condition: the jeans could not be ripped. The punishment for breaking this rule is gruesome; students are sentenced to dig holes for whatever new development projects are in the works, now that Choate’s campus stretches past Wallingford town lines into Meriden. Nearly 100 years after the original shift in dress policy, students are protesting on the Head of School’s lawn and around campus to finally end the rule. One common chant is “free the knee,” a simple and powerful line that gets to the core of the protestors’ struggle. Some, more militant protesters cut right to the chase and snip holes in all the jeans they can see. To quote one student, “I bought these jeans for the holes. In fact, I could have bought two pairs of unripped jeans, but instead I bought one without an entire pant leg. It is how I want to dress and that needs to be respected.” One Lorem Ipsum* staff member who has chosen to remain anonymous reports that one such student cut holes in Dean of Students Maverick Curtains’ jeans after a school meeting. One particular student fell on Mem field after skidding to catch a football and ripped their jeans in the process. As a result, Community Safety was forced to shut down the whole field to detain this dangerous rule flouter. The student in question was exiled to the basement of the Library, where he mended all the ripped jeans that could be found. 

In addition to the claim that the ban on ripped jeans is a limitation on “freedom of expression,” students also criticize that the rule is not enforced by all teachers equally. One protestor was indignant, saying, “So I can wear ripped jeans in English class, but not in math? Do you expect me to go back to my dorm and change for every block?” To address this, the Head of School recently announced that teachers will begin to cycle throughout departments to make sure that students are punished regularly and fairly. One teacher we interviewed mentioned, “I might have a degree in math, but I’m willing to teach freshman English for the greater good. Justice must be served! Now, who’s this Homer guy everyone keeps talking about?”

Students all over school are confused and angry about the ripped jeans ban. When asked why they thought ripped jeans were not allowed, Jeanie Holeson ’21 responded, “I don’t know, supposedly skin can be distracting, but it’s 2100, people, and honestly at Choate this shouldn’t be much of a…”   Holeson’s focus trailed off as she stared at the exposed leg of a student wearing ripped jeans, entranced by the bare knee. 

One student, Blue Jeane ‘21, has decided to run for Student Council President on the very platform: Freedom to Wear Jeans With Holes on or Below the Knee. She told Lorem Ipsum* that she could be reached for questions or interviews at loremipsum@choate.edu.