For quarantined Choate Rosemary Hall students across the globe, the transition to online learning has been difficult. Despite the challenges of Zoom connectivity and timezone troubles, the Choate Programming Union (CPU) has worked tirelessly to alleviate as many struggles as possible. Because of CPU’s laudable efforts, it was no surprise to students when the agency staged a coup against the previous Choate administration, declaring an overhaul of the government and announcing themselves as digital overlords. Numerous conversations with CPU members, who have been difficult to reach at this time due to their refusal to speak in non-coding languages, have led Lorem Ipsum* reporters to gain insight on what the new administration will look like. 

To initiative the coup, which occurred this past Saturday, CPU programmers allegedly sent a belligerent email to Choate’s technology department. According to one witness, the email threatened to “turn all of Choate’s digital servers into beautiful.” Apparently those words meant something to the administration, who immediately ceded all control of school functionalities to the CPU. The newly renamed Community On Student Activities (COSA) has remained oddly silent on the change of power; however, according to CPU’s current leader, this issue is beyond COSA’s concern. The organization recently announced it will develop new criteria for evaluating clubs on the basis of technological proficiency. 

            Since the takeover, CPU has relieved all former Choate staff members of their duties and released a long report detailing the new course criteria for online learning. An evaluation of the course report, written entirely in Python by a former CS550 student, revealed that all classes had been “re-sorted” to adjust to a digital learning setting. A rough translation of CPU’s report states: “Since we’re online now, we’re going to refocus our schooling with the digital world in mind.” 

Shockingly, the conventional system of arranging students by their grade, or “form,” has been dissolved in favor of a meritocracy based on coding literacy. Those in advanced computer science classes quickly found their schedules adjusted to a multitude of directed studies related to an ominous “Project Epsilon.”  For the vast majority of Choate students, however, English and language classes have been replaced with Digital Literacy, a class seemingly designed to train kids in technological proficiency. In addition, all humanities electives have been made inaccessible in favor of new electives, with History of Coding and Technology-Based Literature replacing World and U.S History.

 Several non-CPU students have offered to serve as Python translators. However, this will likely prove unhelpful moving forward –– the organization recently announced a new ambitious initiative in “pushing the boundaries of communication via code and neglecting to speak with low-lives who search desperately for us to ‘print’ our words.” Further conversations with a CPU co-president, speaking under the alias of “Lime,” revealed that those who are enlightened enough to engage in fluent conversation with them will continue work on “Project Epsilon.”  

While reporters were unable to find any information regarding the project, an inside source stated that it may have something to do with [DATA EXPUNGED]. Lorem Ipsum* would like to state that executing [REDACTED] would likely have drastic impacts on the Choate community and school far beyond this term. Reporters have recently received a transmission from “Lime” stating that we are not to talk about [REDACTED] any further, lest we suffer from a severe implementation of [DATA EXPUNGED]. 

            Lorem Ipsum* would like to conclude this article by fully endorsing the benevolence of the CPU regime: it is of utmost importance in this digital age for students to be connected across the Internet. All reporters, writers, and editors are very excited to see how they can collaborate with Choate’s new overlords across the English-Python language barrier. 

Being surveilled by the CPU administration is good both for Lorem Ipsum* members and for the rest of the school: students look forward to becoming better digital citizens, and finally understanding just how many ways they can re-examine their lives as growing minds in this new, bright future. Lorem Ipsum* thanks all of the CPU members for granting such wonderful freedom of the press, and wishes them the best of luck in their work on [REDACTED]!