Fellow teachers, students, nanobots, and synthetic android overseers,

The Lorem Ipsum* Masthead of the 2074-75 school year wants to end the term by personally wishing you all a happy summer and a smooth transition next year to the Choate Digital Hive Schooling Experience. Choate’s community was truly shaken to its core when our Head of School (currently Dr. Curtis’ brain in a jar) announced the school would be partnering with the KwiqThinkTM brand to take all parts of Choate fully online. It has since become known that this digitization will include students’ brains as well as all knowledge found on the Internet. Of course, critics in the Student Council have raised concerns that the KwiqThinkTM program may possess mind-control abilities. However, the majority of campus remains unworried as most figure ITS would not understand how to turn the feature on. 

For just a moment, instead of looking into the bright, terabyte-filled future, Lorem Ipsum* would like to reflect on the School’s past, full of real humans inhabiting physical space. It is safe to say a lot has changed since the start of the decade.

Campus buildings have been built, rebuilt, moved, even set on fire. In 2073, Choate constructed its fifth Brutalist-inspired Arts Center on campus. The administration ran out of local diners to name it after — “Center Street Luncheonette Photography Building” didn’t quite roll off the tongue — so they decided upon the Sushi Palace Complex. It sports a state-of-the-art pyrotechnics setup and hoverchair seats as well as exactly two practice rooms, accessible between one and one-thirty a.m. Other buildings underwent an accidental remodel. For example, in 2074, the Kohler Environmental Center fell down onto the main campus in a mega-landslide. This catastrophe, heralded as a needed accessibility upgrade to the KEC’s environmental classes, is now critical in helping students understand the Water Wars of the 2060s. Today, the Center sits on the banks of Gunpowder Bay, which continues to uncontrollably grow and consume three Lexus cars a day. 

Sadly, the Y was burned down last fall, leading to the construction of the Z, which bears some resemblance to the long-forgotten X of the early 2000’s.

The Dining Hall is going strong, and SAGE’s “augmented food” has cemented itself as a campus staple. Relations with SAGE staff are as good as ever, too, after the annulation of all known workers’ rights laws by President Trump III. The rumor that the green glow of many workers was a sign of their forced immortalization was, thankfully, disproved; the phosphorescence of their skin turned out to be a mere byproduct of the nuclear waste dumping grounds nearby.

Clubs at Choate are thriving, especially now that the Committee of Student Activities has officially banned leadership elections, requiring all cabinets to submit to having The Infinitely Glorious COSA Leaders pick their leadership. Numerous donations from quadrillionaires have also rescued many struggling clubs. The Willard Dwight Gravy Endowment, for students gifted in the ways of extemporaneous debate, has already sent several incredibly bright students to tour the desecrated, bombed-out remains of Washington, D.C.

Now, all that must be put behind. The community’s transition to always-online, virtual-reality cyberspace is uncharted territory. It is truly a scary time for Choate students. But Choate has the strength to rise to the challenge. At the very least, there will be no more running from Colony to Steele in ten minutes flat. Thank you for your time, and God bless the United States of Canada.

Yours truly,

John Tres Passos

Editor-in-Chief of Lorem Ipsum*