Following the Health Center’s annual administering of the flu shot, Choate students have begun to display symptoms—according to reports—far worse than those of the flu itself. For most, the injection has caused so much pain and soreness that complaining has become the only means by which to cope. When asked of the flu shot’s impact on his quality of life, sixth former Eddie Churchill ’16 replied, “I’ve found myself contributing significantly less in class since I got the shot. Every time I try to raise my hand, I get sharp pains that make me drop it right back down. It seems like during flu season, I’m now forced to choose between a class participation grade and my own well-being.”

The suffering caused by the vaccinations does not cease with academics, however; soreness and pain reportedly continue to hold back many students, even in environments outside of the classroom. Notably, several students have reported that the soreness in their arms has made participating in the biweekly SAC dances significantly more difficult.

“My favorite dance move, the fist pump, was nowhere to be seen!” recalled fourth former Lindsey Rice ’18 on site at last Saturday’s dance. “I know that I’m not alone in saying that tonight was pretty disappointing—even the DJ seemed to have gotten a flu shot!” Rice also reported witnessing students trying to incorporate their feet and legs into their dancing—an unusual and rarely seen alternative to the more popular fist pump. Given the atypical nature of this report, officials have been working to verify Rice’s story.

In contrast to the many student accounts describing the flu vaccine as an ironically campus-wide epidemic, Harvey Fry ’17 has declared publicly that he remains unaffected. “Yeah, I mean sure, it stung a little,” he admitted, “but it definitely didn’t hurt, if that’s what you’re thinking. You better believe that I’m no scrub, crying over some little thing like that.”

One student recalled Fry’s behavior: “I didn’t see him do anything especially spectacular,” she said of her classmate, “but I sure did hear a lot about how brave he was during the shot itself. A lot of people think he’s a real hero. Although, most of the talk was from him…”

Fry later sought out reporters to “just make sure” his feelings on the matter had been recorded entirely accurately. “I wouldn’t have taken the inhaled version even if it was offered to me,” he insisted. “Like I said, my arms are totally fine. They don’t hurt at all!”

At press time, sources confirmed spotting Fry asking each of his dorm mates for ibuprofen before retreating unsuccessfully to his room.