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War on Christmas Injures Millions

In an especially heated year, the War on Christmas has caused more casualties than ever before. Fourteen people were injured fighting either for the secularization of Jesus’s birthday or for the maintenance of the first six letters of the word “Christmas.” Clashes occurred at public nativity scenes and “holiday” parades across the country, and, like in previous years, the ideological dispute took on a physical level.
On one side, Bill O’Reilly rallied the Christian soldiers for battle. Arguing that the traditionally Christian American way of life is under attack, O’Reilly managed to convince a full third of the American public to take up arms and crusade against the un-Americanness of non-Christianity. Patriotism and love of Christ synonymous in their minds, Christians of all faith made their yearly pilgrimages to Bethlehem, Connecticut and other Biblical-sounding nearby American towns to fight in the War on Christmas.
On the opposite end, talk show host Bill Maher took charge of rousing the sleeping left. Miraculously, despite boasting a viewership of less than the required attendance of a Choate special program, Maher single-handedly convinced liberal America that the public declaration of the word “Christmas” should be a capital crime. Maher’s fiery rhetoric was difficult to interpret non-violently, so listeners chose to forgo the analysis altogether and head to the battlefield themselves to fight against the Christian insurgency. Bloodshed inevitably ensued.
Across the country, Christians and secularists clashed. In Chicago, the Cloud Gate became an all-out melee. In San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge was occupied by competing herds of secularists and Christians. In New York City, secularists tore down the Rockefeller Christmas tree as right- and left-thinking fighters alike tore torched the Festivus pole after admitting that, despite Seinfeld’s objective greatness, Festivus is an awful tradition. Across the nation, projected death tolls for the clashes, broadcasted by Occupy Democrats and Breitbart, exceeded 1.3 million, making it one of the deadliest wars in American history.
In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, Mr. James Stanley and Reverend Aly Brundige sent a school-wide email calling for “peace and understanding through these trying times,” pointing out that despite our surface disagreements, our school community shares important common values of love of public pageantry and high morale.