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Student Council Votes Unanimously to Secede from The Union

 

Following the election of Donald Trump, the Choate Rosemary Hall Student Council held an emergency meeting to discuss what actions to take in order to best support the students of the school who may be feeling unsafe or threatened by the controversial candidate’s victory. Unlike many other groups on campus, the Student Council felt adamantly that action, not discussion, was the correct response. After a grueling meeting, the student representatives came to the unanimous decision that Choate Rosemary Hall will secede from the union immediately following the inauguration of Donald Trump in January.

Though the decision was difficult, the Student Council believes that this route is the only possible way to protect all members of the Choate community. Although there remain many details to be worked out, the Student Council is confident that, with the support of the Debate and Mock Trial teams, Choate should be able to peacefully leave the Union. To lead the transition, Student Council managed to recruit Bernie Sanders as the new leader of the school board and the school’s foreign liaison with the United States. As his first directive, Sanders has already pledged that the 2017/2018 tuition, and every year’s tuition after that, will be free.

This momentous decision is predicted to have significant effects on the lives of each member of the Choate community. Currently enrolled students, alumni visiting campus, or members of the faculty or staff of
Choate Rosemary Hall will all lose their US citizenship following January 2nd, 2017. Though individuals may reapply for American citizenship, they will be given no aid in the immigration process, and their citizenship will be renullified upon returning to campus. International students, fortunately, will not lose citizenship of their home countries, but the administration invites them to immigrate to CRH regardless.

At press time, forward-thinking members of the Student Council had already begun plans to secure the fledgling Choate nation’s borders. Their plan: build a wall.