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Rogue Zamboni Terrorizes Campus

Recently, sources confirmed that a rogue Zamboni managed to escape from the William C.S. Remsen Arena and Hockey Rink and go on a campus-wide rampage. The escape reportedly took place around 7:50pm on Friday, shortly after the Girls’ Varsity Ice Hockey practice ended. Witnesses to the event told reporters that the unmanned Zamboni broke out of the arena while resurfacing the ice, before eventually bursting through the front door of the hockey rink. Once outside, it continued to travel alongside the Winter X, cross the Wilken football field, and finally make its way up past the Student Activities Center, steadfast on its journey towards upper campus.

“It was weird, man,” said one Spencer resident, who watched the vehicle’s progress from the safety of his room. “I looked out my window and there it was, just casually rolling up the hill. It looked like something out of that movie Rubber.”

Once the vehicle had reached the path up to Hill House, Community Safety officers rushed to the scene, alerted by the screams of students in the Zamboni’s path. “How the Zamboni managed to escape from its home at the ice rink is beyond what we can tell right now,” commented one officer. “But rest assured: we’re doing everything in our power to put an end to this horror.”

Community Safety’s best efforts, however, stood as no match for the Zamboni, which displayed an uncharacteristic level of cunning and intelligence for an inanimate object of its type. The hulking machine easily avoided the massive mousetraps set for it by the officers around campus. The machine, reportedly offended by how little effort it perceived to have been put in by Community Safety officers in attempting to catch it, succumbed to a fit of rage, causing it to run over several students in one violent streak. The students were quickly taken to the health center; their current conditions are still unknown.

Reports were also received of a fifth form boy unsuccessfully attempting to mount the rogue vehicle later in the day. According to witnesses, the boy was sighted screaming—at no one in particular—the words, “They don’t want you to ride a Zamboni! So what we gon’ do? We gon’ ride a Zamboni!” before attempting to climb onto the seat while the vehicle was in motion. He was reportedly thrown off moments later by the vehicle into a nearby bush, where witnesses later reported hearing him murmur the words “just another obstacle…bless up” before drifting into unconsciousness.

These tragic events mark the second time a Zamboni has managed to bypass Choate security measures and cause widespread campus mayhem. The first incident, which occurred in 1989, involved an intramural hockey player who, reportedly feeling sorry for the Zamboni, snuck into the rink at night to set it free for a day.

“It was actually quite fun last time,” recalled one faculty member present for the incident. “If I remember correctly, the Zamboni gave rides to students around campus. It was like an on-campus equestrian park, but with a benevolent machine instead of animals.” Records state that the Zamboni returned to its home willingly at curfew, without needing to be escorted by community safety.

This stands in stark contrast to the events of recent times when, instead of offering rides to students, the Zamboni went on a destructive rampage, crushing any obstacles and leaving a trail of water in its wake. One hockey player—a member of the girls’ Junior Varsity team—agreed that these developments marked a highly unusual change in the Zamboni’s behavior. “It’s never been like this during or after practice, before,” she commented. “If anything, it’s usually pretty friendly and soft-spoken.”

Near the end of the rampage, Community Safety officers, unable to ease the Zamboni’s rage, reportedly began evacuating students from their dorms and gathering them into safe areas such as the Macguire Gymnasium. “We’re not quite sure what it wants or how long this whole thing is going to last,” said one officer, “but it’s better to be safe than sorry. We just hope it’ll eventually get tired and head back to its home.” The officer also explained that the primary reason for choosing Macguire was on account of the steep climb needed to reach the gymnasium. Reportedly, while the Zamboni can travel across flat and near-level ground without many problems, it encounters significant difficulty in climbing steps and hills—as evidenced by its repeated, unsuccessful attempts to chase third formers up the steps of Memorial House.

At press time, students were sighted attempting to appease the Zamboni with songs and offerings, including food from the Lanphier Café and holiday-themed gifts from the School Store—all apparently to no avail.