In an election where all seems lost for conservatives, there is still hope for our nation. Although the GOP nominee, Donald Trump, might seem even worse than the sea of other terrible contenders for the presidency, there is still one option left for us desperate Republicans: Ronald Reagan. Using the power of the write-in vote, we traditionalist right-wing Republicans can vote for the greatest American of all time. The Godfather of Conservatism, Reagan has been a pioneer of true American values from the very beginning. He started his political career by conquering one of the most liberal, uncouth states in the Union: California. Serving as governor, Reagan used his position to bolster himself to the presidency, serving from 1981 to 1989, a period spanning eight years, which is the longest amount of time a president can serve in office. This rule was put into effect after the reign of the tyrant Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who in his sixteen years of presidency brought socialist rule upon the United States. Although, legally, Reagan only served two terms as POTUS, to any true conservative, he’s already served four, and for one simple reason: he’s twice the man of any other in this great, free country. Since he has already served in this nation’s most demanding office for sixteen years, who cares if he serves for another sixteen (or thirty-two, or one hundred)? He has brought nothing but victory to America, and his accomplishments in office serve as another justification to write in this pinnacle of American greatness.
To add to his qualifications—hardly necessary with such an overqualified candidate like this one—Reagan is an expert in foreign policy, and has big plans for dealing with the crisis in the Middle East. To fix the consequences of President Barack Obama’s faulty ‘nuclear deal’ and questionable hostage negotiations with Iran, Reagan plans on using the knowledge he gained from his own success with Iran in the past to clean up the current President’s mess. Engaged in negotiations with the Middle Eastern power since the Cold War, Ron knows that the only time it’s okay to give weapons to Iran is when you’re cleaning up Jimmy Carter’s liberal mess. When I met him in person at a recent campaign rally to hear about his foreign policy plans, Reagan told me, “I’ll have Iran hand over their uranium faster than you can say Argo.”
While Donald Trump wants to ally himself with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, showing his naiveté with our ‘friends’ to the East, old Ron knows a thing or two about the Russians. If he could deal with Gorbachev, a no-name weakling president like Vladimir Putin should be no problem. For those unfortunately not as patriotic and well-read as they should be, here’s a little abridged history lesson: Ronald Reagan single-handedly democracy-punched Soviet-Era communism through the Iron Curtain, and then used a wrecking ball of freedom to knock down the Berlin Wall. And trust me, he’ll do the same to Putin.
Ron’s policy with the Russians isn’t his only strength, however; if he can knock down a wall, he can certainly build one. Reports say that Reagan has already started building ‘The Wall’ on the Mexico-United States border, using only his hands and the great American soil upon which he was born. He won’t even need to make Mexico pay for it. To solve America’s trillion-dollar debt problem, Reagan has converted his shining city upon a hill, the Reagan Ranch, into an “all-American theme park,” which has driven the liberal fascist-led Disney World out of business and given jobs back to hard-working, deserving Americans. In the face of adversity, Ronald Reagan will not blame China or attempt to delete his problems thirty thousand times. Instead, he’ll stare it dead in the face and trample it on his trusty steed of liberty. Conservatives, vote your heart this election: write in Reagan—he made America great once, and he can surely do it again.