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Q&A: A Deerfieldian Assimilates

Wellington Miles Bartholomew III ’19, formerly a student of Deerfield, was left at Choate after the event known to him still as “Choate Day” when he missed the router bus home. At the time of the interview, it had been one week since he had realized his mistake. He has since been living in a Choate dorm in place of a student who did not enroll for this year. Reporters managed to secure an interview with him to learn how he has fared assimilating to Choate culture.
Q: Describe your situation. How did you feel realizing your schoolmates left without you?
A: Why, I realized the router bus left without me when I found myself unable to spot even one person wearing a green Barbour jacket like mine. I will never forget that feeling in my life; I have never felt more different. But then I decided to endeavor to make the best of my situation, treat it as an expedition of sorts, and explore this new campus. I cannot say it left me better off, though, for I have noticed something even more devastating than the lack of Barbour jackets… Where is your polo barn? Do you not have a polo barn?
Q: You seem to have a British accent, are you an international student?
A: No, I think you misunderstand me. I speak with elegance and class, which is not an accent specific to any nation or region. Perhaps you should research such matters.
Q: We understand you are disappointed about the lack of a polo team on campus. What do you think about the other sports teams on campus?
A: I am blown away with the unity, elegance, and precision of your football team. At first, I found it difficult to realize that it was football your players were engaged in; I thought it was a different sport entirely. As it would seem, Deerfield’s football team is just “not on the same level” as Choate, so much as playing a different sport entirely. Perhaps your shirts on Choate day were right…is it even a rivalry?
Q: People often turn to food in times of hardship. You know, “comfort food?” How do you feel about SAGE dining?
A: Well, I entered your Hill House dining hall the this morning for brunch expecting eggs benedict and roasted lamb chops, my favorite dishes. Instead, you had steak, which was not altogether terrible—your team of private chefs prepared the dish rare and bloody to my liking. As such, I was pleasantly surprised. I am, however, disappointed by your lack of a waitstaff. I was informed about the suggestion cards for the cooks and I have already submitted ten about incorporating waiters and waitresses. You know those freshmen that go around wiping tables? They could be much better used as waiters were their tacky aprons replaced with suitably elegant garments.
Q: How about food out of the dining hall? Have you experienced a Mug Night yet?
A: I have yet to encounter one such “Mug Night.” If it is in fact in the style of an English afternoon tea, replete with three small courses, as I anticipate, I will be utterly delighted. I carried Limoges in my backpack for Choate Day and I would love an occasion to use them. Do you know what Limoges are? Have you been taught that?
Q: What has been the strangest experience for you thus far?
A: I left my leather shoes in the hall before study hours started. A few minutes later, the self-declared “prefect-on-duty” walked in. He asked me, “Wells, why are your shoes outside?” I replied, “Is it not your job, butler, to shine shoes?” He promptly exited, and I presumed he had left to attend to his duties. Upon study hours’ completion, however, I went to collect my shoes and give my tip to find that they remained untouched. What, then, if not to serve the students, is his purpose in the dorm? I am still unsure. It remains to me profoundly befuddling.
Q: Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend?
A: As I was picking a tie to go with my jacket in the morning, my roommate invited me to go to town for dinner. I picked out a tuxedo and cummerbund also, in the chances that we would be attending an opera. I do hope the Wallingford Opera has La Traviata.