In a recent press conference, the nation’s venerable leader President Donald J. Trump P ’00, astonished the world when he accused Lorem Ipsum* of being liberally- biased and vehemently condemned the publication on Twitter as “FAKE NEWS. SAD!” The incident occurred when a Lorem Ipsum* reporter stood to ask a question during a press conference after a speech on a college campus.

“First of all, I’d like to thank you for coming here today to speak Mr. President, we really appreciate your visit,” started the reporter. He continued, “So, my question is—” but was interrupted by the President. “Let me stop you right there,” Trump responded, “Lying Lorem Ipsum* is just a complete disaster. A tremendous disaster. You losers thought Bernie was going to win the election the whole time and were tremendously biased in his favor. You never even gave me or Hillary a chance and you were wrong—bigly! Your ratings are a huge disaster, and you’re fake news. You are fake news.”

Stunned, the valiant reporter quietly thanked the President and returned to his seat. Before any other journalists could follow up on the harsh words just uttered, Press Secretary Sean Spicer declared the press conference over. “You are all dismissed,” he stated, “and President Trump thinks you are all WRONG.” This event is the latest incident in a heated and highly publicized conflict between Trump and Lorem Ipsum* spanning the past several months. Beginning after Lorem Ipsum* published a piece discussing his tiny, delicate hands, Trump took to the Internet to rail against the publication, tweeting: “The media and lying @loremipsum think I have tiny hands. They are FAKE NEWS and should be ashamed of their lies. SAD! Everyone knows my hands are as big as the next guy’s. Probably even bigger. The biggest.”

Trump later declared that he would thereafter be at “war” with Lorem Ipsum* and would dedicate himself to defacing the publication by portraying it as dishonest and inaccurate—as he calls it, by “going nuclear.” In fact, one of Trump’s first executive orders was ordering COSA and the FBI to launch an investigation into Lorem Ipsum* in the hopes that they would shut down the publication. Fortunately, they found nothing but incisive and clever commentary.

Editors of Lorem Ipsum* have expressed their concern with Trump’s rhetoric. “At Lorem Ipsum* we uphold the highest standards of journalistic ethics, and it is frightening that the President thinks he can accuse us of being fake simply because all our content is utter hogwash,” commented James Rose ’18, the highly reputable newspaper’s Editor-in-chief. Editors are also concerned that if readers begin to believe in the sentiments the President is expressing, they might be driven towards alt-right satirical sources, such as The Currency, that purposely promulgate wildly inaccurate content.

“Trump can’t go calling a publication fake just for publishing content that isn’t true,” commented Liza Mackeen-Shapiro ’18, the publication’s managing editor. Journalists, politicians, and Choate students alike have all been waiting to see how much longer the rivalry between Lorem Ipsum* and the Trump administration will last. Considering the unreliability of mainstream media outlets such as CNN and The New York Times, most were not shocked when Trump called them fake. When he accused Lorem Ipsum* of unethical journalism, however, it shocked tens of people across campus, all now left wondering about the new diminished place of fact-based media under Trump’s administration.

At press time, Trump’s Twitter was once again ablaze with fiery tweets responding to a Lorem Ipsum* reporter’s question of clarification about the phrase “Easy D.”