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President Trump Boldly Stares Down Moon, Ends Eclipse


As part of an ongoing effort to promote an appearance of strength in U.S. foreign policy, President Donald J. Trump P’00 eschewed the warnings of traditional experts across mainstream news and science media Monday to stare directly at the moon and sun without protective eyewear, promptly ending the eclipse.

“Dishonest Fake News Media WRONG again about fake ‘eclipse’ today,” Trump tweeted following the incident, “LOW ENERGY obstructionist Moon will always be met with fire & fury! Very smart decision to give up.” He later retweeted a GIF depicting a train overlaid with his face running over CNN, The New York Times, and the Moon, adding the caption, “Make America Bright Again! #MABA”

White House aides later released a report on the incident, stating, “The President’s decision to stare down the Moon was planned in conjunction with US Military leaders and operated on the knowledge that the event was in part a project by Kim Jong-Un in response to US sanctions on key North Korean allies. Although not yet confirmed the President would like to remind the public that there are two—even many—sides to every eclipse and that his main priority is the interest of the American people.”

At press time, Trump tweeted a photo of the growth in disposable eclipse glasses stock during Former President Barrack Obama’s first year in office and in his own, captioning the image, “More ALL TIME HIGHS thanks to smart business leadership! That doesn’t just happen!”