“We’re the Maiyeros. We’ve been around since 1945, and we’ve been breaking hearts ever since,” goes the introduction of Choate’s oldest male a cappella group. However, many have begun to discover that this statement, though oft-repeated, has actually been contrary to fact for quite a while. Reports say that these revelations began last year at the Maiyeros’s first major performance on Parents’ Weekend: Darius Rucker’s “Wagon Wheel.”

Stated sixth former Issy Hnat ’16 of the performance, “Um… ‘Wagon Wheel’ sounded really… alternative, I think? Like, I guess I’m heartbroken, but only out of pity for them not breaking any hearts for real.”

Immediately following the performance, the distraught Maiyeros gathered in the PMAC gallery to mourn the multitude of unbroken hearts left beating after their performance. “Wagon Wheel” was not the first song in Maiyeros history in which each audience member left with an intact heart, nor was it the last. However, it was not until the most recent January, during Freaky Friday, that the Maiyeros had actually realized the details of their motto and broken their first heart.

According to reports, it was 10:00 PM on a Friday night and a large winter storm was quickly approaching the Connecticut region. Hundreds of students gathered in the Student Activities Center, expecting no damage to be done to their hearts that evening.

SAC assistant Mr. Vincent Jones announced at roughly 10:10 PM, “Alright, everybody. Up next, we have the Maiyeros.” He was met with scattered applause.

Hearing their cue, the Maiyeros approached the stage. President Evan Robison ’16 introduced the group in usual fashion: “Hi, we’re the Maiyeros. We’ve been around since 1945 and we’ve been breaking hearts ever since.” The audience continued watching intently, giving a couple cheers but paying no heed to the group’s warning.

Bent now on finally breaking a heart, members of the group listened to their starting notes with alacrity and focus and began singing “Take Me to Church.” Senior member Brian Hnat ’16 approached the solo microphone to sing the first verse, to which the crowd responded with a small smattering of applause. Then, all of a sudden, third form member Maximilian Patel ’19 stepped up to the solo microphone to sing the chorus and the rest of the song, leaving Hnat to stand back with the rest of the group with a somewhat confused look on his face. Patel was greeted by an explosion of applause and cheers as he sang a series of runs, hitting each note with precision—even more precision, witnesses stated, than that with which fellow Maiyeros member Shane Sweitzer ’18 eats his cereal. Said one avid Maiyeros fan, “If he has a ‘junior summer glo-up,’ he could do some serious damage in the future. Upper- and underclassmen better watch out.” As a group of sixth form girls dropped to the floor, clutching their chests in response to the group’s perfectly executed choreography, the Maiyeros knew that they had done it at last. They had finally broken their first heart.

Audience member Zemia Edmonson ’16 spoke out about her own broken heart while in the hospital recuperating: “When Max Patel gripped the solo mic, finally pushing Brian off the stage, I thought I was going to die. His vocals were so amazing that my heart just gave in and snapped in half. The doctors said I’m very lucky to be here right now.”

Sources confirmed that Edmonson is still in intensive care at Yale-New Haven Hospital and is preparing for a heart transplant surgery. At press time, she spoke about her future with regards to the Maiyeros: “Their performance was amazing, but I don’t know if I can watch them ever again. I was lucky enough to find a heart donor this time, but I can’t run the risk of having my heart broken a second time.”