This past Wednesday, many on Choate campus were shocked by the ear-piercing shrieks of the countless female students just informed that Lululemon, a highly popular athletic apparel retailer, would be expanding into the wider citrus market. Lululemon CEO Bill Pot released a statement that three new lines of yoga-inspired clothing would be brought to market in the coming week: Luluorange, Lulugrapefruit, and Lulukumquat, all to be consolidated under the horizontally integrated Lulucitrus supercorporation.
In preparation for the release, Choate has announced several changes for the next week. At the urging of student groups such as In Moda and the Boys’ Varsity Soccer team, Headmaster Dr. Alex Curtis is calling a second President’s Day, to be known as Vice President’s Day, announcing in advance a no-class day on the date of release, so students can spend the class day online shopping. Additionally, the ITS annex is working to set up secondary Wi-Fi networks for each dorm to ensure that all students have access to a fast and reliable Internet connection for their purchases. Moreover, computer scientist Zev Nicolai-Scanio ’18 is working together with Lululemon web developers to institute a second website at lululemon.choate.edu to handle the Choate traffic on a private server. Additionally, the School Store is working to offer an offline alternative to shop for the new apparel. With a new temp staff hired to receive shipments, suggest products, and sell goods at three times the market price, the School Store provides students with an on-campus option to purchase their new apparel in person. In terms of health and fitness, the Health Center is bracing its staff for the inevitable influx of students suffering from, “overcompression syndrome,” which is characterized by long-term numbness in the legs as a result of wearing compression leggings for days on end. The Cage has also voiced plans to begin carrying Lulugrapefruit-brand joggers for student rental.
Reporters have spoken to some students who are eagerly awaiting their new yoga pants and headbands. Becky Funde ’20 said, “I haven’t slept for three days. What if they release it early? I have to be on my computer at all times refreshing the Lululcitrus page. I need those kumquat leggings.”
Another student, Tommy Lauren ’18 said, “My teachers are sending me emails like crazy asking where all my overdue work is. They just don’t understand that it’s impossible to do work when all that’s on my mind is the beautiful Luluorange tank I’ll be wearing next week.”
Noted substance-lacking contrarian Tom Nante ’17 weighed in, “I don’t get it. My friend showed me a picture of the new stuff they’re selling. It’s the same black leggings. Am I missing something?”
At press time, students in AmStuds, noticing the new Lulucitrus corporation’s monopolistic appearance, prepared to prosecute the company under the Sherman Antitrust Act as part of their winter term-end experience.