In his latest effort to garner further support for his Student Council position and initiatives, Leland Ben ’17 has launched a revolutionary campaign to win over the crucial millennial demographic. Reinventing himself to appeal to the average millennial, Ben has traded in many facets of his personality for “new and improved” characteristics. He took his new persona to this year’s opening SAC dance, where he talked for the first time with many of his peers and, as he put it, took “the hype to a whole new level.” Reports described Leland as dabbing clumsily yet furiously for the entire dance; quote one eyewitness, “I’ve never seen anyone pipe it up like that before.”
To accompany his new mannerisms, Ben has reportedly updated his vocabulary in an attempt to sound more “appealing to the youths.” In place of his previous lexicon, which included words such as ‘quite,’ ‘significant,’ and ‘fantastic,’ Ben has begun to litter his sentences with more updated expressions, like ‘‘4real,’ ‘OD important,’ and ‘mad lit.’ He has also begun to start and ending every sentence with the phrase “my guy.” According to his former English teacher, Ben used the phrase “mad lit” over sixty times in his AmStuds final essay.
Ben has even gone so far as to alter his extracurricular activities as part of the effort, reportedly giving up his leadership position on the debate team to join the rap club instead.
“It was weird,” said Anselm Kizza-Besigye ’17, one of Ben’s fellow debaters, “Leland just started freestyling during rounds one day while he was giving his opening remarks, and then he suddenly just got up and left. I found out later that night that he’d gone straight to Rap Club.” Investigators’ reports say that Ben’s choice to quit the club was motivated by a desire to “finally have aux privileges” and “be in a place where [he] could deliver [his] ill flow.”
In order to really connect with the youth, Ben has gone so far as to trade in his National Review subscription for instant post notifications on Kanye West’s Twitter feed. Additionally, his Facebook page, formerly home to passionate political rants, has now become a memorial to the deceased primate Harambe. Ben’s wardrobe has taken a sharp turn as well: according to reports, his infamous Barbour jacket, Vineyard Vines corduroys, and Sperry’s loafers have all been exchanged for a Nike hoodie, Lululemon joggers, and Timberland boots.
Lucas Ferrer ’17, an acquaintance of Ben, noticed changes even in the way he discussed politics. “He only talks about political events through memes now,” Ferrer told reporters. “I asked him what he thought of the candidates’ performances in the second debate, and he just sent me back a picture of Ken Bone. I wasn’t really sure how to respond.”
Ben’s newfound popularity amongst teenagers has caused his fellow student council member and school president Cecilia Zhou ’17 to fear a bold move coming from his direction in the future. “I’m honestly pretty worried,” a visibly anxious Zhou told reporters, “He’s popular enough now that he could probably lead an impeachment vote against me. He called my outfit ‘whack’ the other day and even some of my closest friends agreed with him. Hopefully he doesn’t gain any more momentum, or he could definitely start some kind of coup for the presidency before the end of the term.”
In light of the club’s leader’s recent changes in behavior, many have been wondering if the Young Republicans will endorse the highly controversial Republican candidate Donald Trump. With all looking to Ben for his final decision, he decided to go with a “fourth party candidate”: Waka Flocka Flame. He later justified his decision to reporters, saying, “Flocka will really just go harder in the paint than anyone else.” To further emphasize his strong support for American millennial values, Ben has also started a petition to change the Pledge of Allegiance’s controversial line “under God” to “under squad.”
At press time, officials at the Committee on Student Activities reported receiving a request from Ben asking to change the spelling of the name “Choate Young Republicans” to “Choate Yvng Repubs.” COSA has yet to give an answer.