As part of the transition from fall to winter term, a few precocious students have adjusted their wardrobes for the temperature. However, even as temperatures drop dramatically from mid-60s to low-60s, it would seem not all students possess such adaptive tendencies: in recent weeks, the Health Center has received numerous cases of students—clad in nothing but Barbour jackets and Sperry’s Top-Siders—afflicted with varying degrees of hypothermia. As of Monday evening, nine students have been admitted into the Health Center’s intensive care unit, all reportedly receiving treatment for the same affliction.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen so many cases of this magnitude in my time here at Choate,” one visibly concerned nurse told reporters. “You’d think that after hearing about other victims—we sent an all-school email to warn the remaining kids—they’d learn to put on some more seasonally-appropriate attire, but no such luck. Right now, we’re doing all that we can do to help them: we’ve set the waiting room thermostat set to a toasty 74 degrees Fahrenheit, which we hope will thaw them out a bit.”

When reporters interviewed students in patient bedrooms in an attempt to ascertain the motives behind their continued reckless behavior, one boy replied, “Of course, I was wearing Sperry’s when I came in.”

“I didn’t spend $245 to wear a pair of shoes for only three months out of the year,” he added before breaking down into a violent coughing fit.

One patient used her interview as an opportunity to exhort her peers. “Don’t make the same mistake I’ve made,” she pleaded. “When I first walked into J. Crew and saw this Barbour jacket, I couldn’t resist buying it. I know a lot of people out there feel the same, but that’s the problem. Three months and four hundred dollars of your parents’ money later, you’re going to wish you got a Patagonia instead. You can’t show off your outfit if you’re trapped in the Health Center all day.”

At press time, the administration revealed plans to incorporate a six-week unit on seasonally appropriate fashion choices into the curriculum for Sophomore Seminar.