After receiving unsatisfactory results following their urging of students to conserve energy in the Green Cup challenge, the C-Proctors have introduced a new, mandatory eco-competition entitled Carbo-Cup in a frantic, eleventh-hour move to reduce Choate’s carbon footprint. For this challenge, students must limit their carbon dioxide emissions by limiting their total number of breaths throughout the day. “Since every breath converts oxygen into carbon dioxide, the only practical and truly impactful way to reduce carbon emissions is to breathe less,” explained Ishaan Singh ‘17, a dedicated member of the C-Proctors.

When reached for comment about this new initiative, Ms. Homan, faculty adviser to the C-Proctors, stated, “Because certain activities such as exercise leave much greater carbon footprints than others, in an effort to fully commit to the cause of reducing carbon emissions, all sports will be canceled for the remainder of the term. Exercising independently will also be strictly prohibited.” To enforce this policy and ensure it will not fall victim to the same fate as the Green Cup challenge, C-Proctors have been given the authority to assign Thursday detention to anyone found in close proximity to the athletic center.

Said one C-Proctor, “Maybe they’ll actually listen this time.”

In addition to exercise, the oxygen-exhausting act of speech has been met with eco-friendly regulations. As a result, Harkness tables in the Paul Mellon Humanities Center will be immediately eliminated in order to discourage in-class discussion. Likewise, teachers are expected to communicate solely through email. The impact of campus speech regulation is expected to be so great that scientists estimate that, by eliminating Q&A sessions at the end of special programs, Choate can enact an atmospheric change equivalent to stopping all global coal combustion for thirty years.

Since the average stationary person takes anywhere between twelve and twenty breaths each minute, the C-Proctors have encouraged Choate students to limit themselves to ten or fewer breaths for each minute of the coming months. Students with medical conditions will not be exempt from these regulations; each and every member of the community is expected to uphold this new standard. Choate has been working to get more schools involved, so that Carbo-Cup can become an interscholastic competition.

At press time, reporters received word that, despite the many invitations sent, no other boarding schools have decided to join Choate in its endeavor; many have, however, outright condemned the very concept of the challenge, calling it “unreasonable,” “impractical,” and “dangerously inconsiderate of students’ health.” In any case, the C-Proctors remain unfazed and wish everyone a “happy Carbo-Cup!”